Thanksgiving has, for some time now, been the recipient of a perplexing amount of disrespect.
First, greedy Christmas just can’t wait its turn anymore. Yuletide decorations pop up earlier and earlier each year. In fact, I saw in-store promos this August — for Christmas 2019!
The Hallmark Channel doesn’t help, with its admittedly delightful and impressively endless catalog of Christmas films. But good grief, there’s no need to start that churn before I arise from my Thanksgiving Day food coma.
As soon as the door is slammed in the last trick-or-treater’s face, it seems, people are like, “GET THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.”
To which I say, “O RLY?! Aren’t we forgetting something?”
The crescendos of Halloween —> #TurkeySZN —> Christmas —> New Year’s are perfectly laid out for a good three months of peak festivity. WHY RUIN IT??
Also, while we’re here, stay in your lane, BLACK FRIDAY.
Even the people who enjoy the awesome aspects of Thanksgiving (which are all of the aspects) are being rude. Is the name change to “Friendsgiving” truly necessary? I mean, why not just be thankful for friends on, uh, Thanksgiving? This isn’t an American Idol audition. You don’t have to make the holiday “your own.”
What’s next? “Thxgiving” or “Thanks + Giving.” STOP TRYING TO DISRUPT THANKSGIVING, MILLENNIALS.
And why all of these slights? What has Thanksgiving ever done aside from be awesome? Let’s consider some of the highlights:
- Turkey (fried)
- Turkey legs
- BBQ turkey (now a thing!)
- Leftover turkey sandwiches (w/ Duke’s mayonnaise.)
- Football watching
- Football tossing
- Eating a football
- Mashed potatoes
- Sweet potatoes
- All the pies
- Various casseroles
- Even the sweaters are more tasteful
- It’s always on a Thursday — convenient for planning!!
- Don’t have to spend money on presents
- Crisp air, not Deep Winter
- Cranberries: FIGHT ME!!!
The list goes on and on — like a delicious Thanksgiving spread.
Look, here’s an idea: enjoy the golden tones of Thanksgiving, then put up your Christmas decorations the weekend after. (Before taking them down in May.) That’s almost a whole month of Chrimus!
Yule thank me later.